The Bitter Sweet News

Jocelyn is incredibly excited that she is going to be a big sister. We did not tell her that she was going to be a big sister until we had announced to everyone that we were pregnant at 10 weeks. We just knew that the second we told Jocelyn, she would be telling everyone about it. Sure enough we were right. We had our first ultrasound at 9 weeks and after that ultrasound we told Jocelyn on Friday then Sunday when we went to church she told everyone we walked by that mommy has a baby in her belly and that she was going to be a big sister!!! Good thing we announced it on face book Saturday so we didn't care who knew at that point. 

What people did not know and what Jocelyn did not know either is that at the 9 week ultrasound we found out that we were pregnant with identical twins, but one had not survived. We also found out that they were living in the same sack, implanted on the same placenta which is not normal and very dangerous to the babies.When Jon and I heard that we were pregnant with twins our minds were blown and our hearts sank. Our minds were blown away because one day before Jocelyn even knew I was pregnant, she came into my room when she woke up that morning and the first thing she said to me was "I am going to be a big sister! and there are going to be 2 babies" We did not know if she was right or not but how did she even know she was going to be a big sister? So at the ultrasound when we were told of the twins, we just could not believe that Jocelyn was right!!! But then sadness sank in as we realized just what Dr. Huish had told us. We were pregnant with twins but one has not made it. So many questions began to flood my mind about why this has happened. When things like this happen you tend to start asking what you have done wrong in your life to have such a crazy sad thing happen. I was in a state of shock for a while after this news and then one day it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I started crying for the loss of my baby. It was hard to remember that I was still pregnant with a second baby still because the pain of loosing that one baby was so heart breaking. 

Dr. Huish wanted me to come in for another ultrasound at 13 weeks to check on the living twin to be sure it was doing ok. So at 13 weeks I went in without Jon and as the lady was looking at the baby, she scanned by the other passed on twin. But as she did that, I thought I had seen the baby move. She did not say anything but she did stay on the baby and take measurements and eventually she started telling me what she was seeing. She said that the baby was moving, so she took the measurements and it turns out that the baby is also growing.... WHAT?..... My baby you said was not living last time is now living and growing and moving?! But then she pointed out that the baby had some problems that she could see. She pointed out that there was lots of fluid around the brain that should not be there and there were cysts around the heart of the baby also. Then lastly she said that the baby was measuring 3 weeks smaller than the other twin. So something was wrong with my second twin but we did not know exactly what was wrong. The good news that we found out about the babies conditions is that there was a super small membrane in the sack they were in that separated them from each other so there was no risk of them tangling up with each other and causing any problems. So that was a relief. Dr. Huish referred me to a specialist to go take a better ultrasound of the babies and we were scheduled for that appointment at 15 weeks pregnant.

 I have a teeny tiny little baby bump going on in this pic.

My 15 weeks came and time for our specialist visit. Our hearts were pounding. We were so nervous what we were going to find out about the babies. The sweet ultrasound technician called us back and was super nice and warming. We got started on the ultrasound after telling her what was going on and right off the back she found the twin that was having problems. But what we saw was not good. There was no heart beat, and no movement. She informed us that our baby was for sure gone this time and there definitely was no heart beat. This is now the second time we were told that the baby was not living. Now we had to grieve the loss of our baby once more. But the lady let us take a good long look at our second baby and showed us that our second baby was super healthy. It was growing like it needed to, had a fantastic heart beat, the baby was moving around a ton, and was the cutest thing waving at us over and over again through the ultrasound. We even got to see the baby in 3D and saw it moving around in 3D which was pretty cool to see it playing around with its umbilical cord. It was the best thing we could have seen after getting the news that our other twin had for sure not made it this time. 

After the ultrasound we talked with the Specialist and he was very blunt in telling us that he was very nervous about our situation knowing that both babies were alive living off the blood supply of one placenta. This could have been so so bad to both twins later on in the pregnancy. He told us that if the one twin did not pass on, then there was a very very high chance that both twins would not have made it to full term and we would have lost both babies. They simply could not live off the blood supply of one placenta, and the healthy twin would have been deprived of too much blood causing brain defects severe enough to cause death, So he kept telling us over and over that this is such a sad thing loosing one of our babies but at the same time it is a good thing one did not survive so that the other one could continue on developing and being healthy. 

Knowing that our living twin would not have lived if both of them kept developing was such a bitter sweet situation to go through. We are incredibly sad over the loss of the baby, but feel extremely blessed that we still have a strong and healthy baby growing. 

We did find out the gender of the baby at that ultrasound that day, and after a little while of grieving, we decided that we were going to go on, and celebrate the life of the twin that was still living. We decided to put together a gender reveal that night with my family while we were still visiting them. That was such a fun thing to do. 

I bought silly string and wrapped it in wrapping paper so that no one could tell what color the string was. Then on the bottle it said, He or She Spray to see. That night when everyone was home, they all took a silly string bottle and sprayed it at me revealing the color of the string and then I did a cute little photo shoot with Jocelyn to post on face book about what the gender is. Here are all the photos. 

And the babies are girls!! We decided that we wanted to name both of the babies so their names are Charlotte and Cheyenne, We will always miss the baby that we have lost but we feel like she will always be with us, and her sister will always have a special guardian angel watching over her through her life. 

Jocelyn is incredibly excited about the baby inside my belly. She gives my belly kisses and hugs every day, and always asks how the baby is doing. She is such a good sister already. And the other day we were eating lunch and asked her if the baby was a boy or girl. She said Girl and her name is Charlotte. We were teasing her saying that it was different names, but she got up from her chair and said "No her name is charlotte and she is my best friend!!" It just melts my heart that this bond is already starting to form, and it makes me have hope that Jocelyn will have the bond with this baby that I was afraid she would not have because of their age difference. 

The Struggle and then Reward

I am pregnant with baby #2!!! When we got pregnant with Jocelyn, we may have felt that it was so hard but this time, we really did have one hard road to go down in order to become pregnant. Here is our story on how we struggled and struggled, but in the end we finally reached the greatest reward.

So back when Jocelyn was 15 months old (november 2014) we decided that we wanted to start trying to have another child. If we got pregnant soon, we would be fulfilling our plans of having a child every 2 years. I had gotten my birth control removed a few months earlier knowing that we were going to start trying soon and I wanted to be sure all the hormones were out of me before we started trying. We were ready to go and thought for sure a few months of trying we would be pregnant just like what happened with Jocelyn. Boy were we wrong. 

Month, after month passed by and I kept getting mother natures lovely monthly present and every month that this happened, my heart became more and more heavy. I felt complete guilt that I could not get pregnant and make Jocelyn a sister. I hated that the longer time goes on the father apart in age Jocelyn and her sibling would be and it made me hurt inside. I have always been super super close to my older sister so it made me feel so sad that Jocelyn would not have a sibling close in age to be this close to as she grew up. The part that made it hardest was watching Jocelyn go up to other babies around us and want to give them sweet little kisses on the forehead, and pats on the head and talk to them in the sweetest little voice. She was so ready to become a sister, and she would be a great sister but I could not give her that gift despite how hard I was trying.

 After 9 months of trying to get pregnant I was told I had an abnormal pap smear and had to go through a minor surgery to get this corrected. The worst news about this was that I was told I would probably have to stop trying to conceive for 9-12 months! My heart broke into a million pieces sitting there on the doctors table when they told me that news. I never cry in front of people but that news was so shattering that I just broke down crying in front of the doctor. I was embarrassed but there was no stopping the tears. The doctor was understanding and explained how the surgery would work and the baffling part to me is that this problem I had to get surgically fixed was NOT the reason I couldn't become pregnant. I thought we had come to the answer of why becoming pregnant was not happening but the doctors reassured me over and over that this was not the answer. 

Once finding out this was not the answer of why we couldn't get pregnant, I had a very hard time coping with anything. I had to get this surgery done, I couldn't try and get pregnant for 9-12 months after the surgery AND after we could finally start trying we were not guaranteed to get pregnant quickly because this was not the answer on why we were not getting pregnant. It was all too much. But I went forward with the surgery.

 (about this time I was given the news that my dad had cancer, so life was just throwing me every curve ball it could)

A few weeks after the surgery at my follow up doctors appointment, my doctor came in and told me some great news. The first great news I have heard in a while between my dads cancer and my infertility problems. She said that the surgery was so successful and that I would only need to wait on trying to conceive for 3 months rather than the 9-12 months they originally told me. I was so excited about that news! I then asked her since I have been trying to have a baby for so long if they could do some tests on me to determine what exactly is preventing that from happening. She told me that she wanted me to keep trying for a bit longer without testing. Her exact words was that they don't do testing until someone has been trying for 2 YEARS!!!! And here again I was feeling frustrated. All I want is to get pregnant!!! Why wont the doctors do testing on me. I am requesting it so why wont they do it. Why do I have to keep trying longer. 2 years is an awful long time to be trying when you just have a gut feeling that something isn't right!!!

Jon and I decided that we were done going to that OB/GYN and started to look for a new doctor. We waited our 3 months of not trying and got the clear to start trying again from the old OB, but as soon as we were cleared, we went searching for a new one. The problem is that there are not very many options where we live and the options we did have, we did not hear very many good reviews about those doctors. So we felt stuck again. We were faced with the decision of: do we just go to a mediocre doctor and hope they do something for us or do we keep searching for a doctor that everyone loves. We finally made the decision to go see a mediocre doctor because at this point we were done waiting. But as soon as I made that appointment, I was talking to a friend on the phone one night and she recommended her doctor who has helped many of her other friends overcome their fertility problems. This was like an answer to our prayers. I quickly called this doctor and made myself an appointment and cancelled my other appointment at the mediocre doctors office. 

Jon and I went into the appointment not very hopeful of the doctor listening to us and thought he would just turn us away like our other doctor saying you are young, and healthy, you don't need any help.  That was the exact opposite of what actually happened though! The Doctor ( Dr. Huish) came in, sat down, listened to our concerns, and after that he told us that he wanted to help us. He could tell we have gone through a lot, and he believed he could help us out. After coming up with a plan, they drew some blood to run some hormone tests, and I was scheduled for an ultrasound to check on how everything looked inside me. We left feeling a huge weight lifted off our shoulders because we finally found someone to listen to us and do something for us!

The blood tests came back normal, which was a downer, but we still had an ultrasound to do so we kept our hopes up for the news of that test. The day came for the ultrasound and after the ultrasound I was seen immediately by Dr. Huish and he said he had bad news but he also had good news. He started with the bad news that I have what is called Poly-cystic ovarian symptom. (PCOS) This means that I have lots and lots of cysts on my ovaries preventing my ovaries from releasing an egg. This is the reason I was not getting pregnant because I was never ovulating! Hearing this news was like having a big bright light that turned on in my heart, I HAD AN ANSWER! I was not crazy thinking something was wrong with me. I know it was bad news but at that moment I felt like it was the best news ever because I was finally given a reason. Dr. Huish then told me that there was a way to fix this and get me ovulating and eventually become pregnant and that answer was a pill called clomid. 

I went and filled the perscription started taking it like he had told me to, and month one came and went. I did not get pregnant, Month 2 came and went I did not get pregnant. I told myself not to loose hope though because this medicine doesn't work right away. So month 3 came and I was late!!!

I told myself not to get excited yet because there were cycles that I would be 2 days late and then start my period. So I made myself not believe I was pregnant. But I did order some pregnancy tests so that I could test in a few days. After 2 days late I started to get excited that this might just be the month I finally got pregnant, but I couldn't bear telling Jon in case it was a fluke. Then 3 days came and I did not start, then 4, then 5, then on day 6 I finally got my pregnancy tests in the mail. I was almost certain i was pregnant at this point but since I never get any pregnancy symptoms, I was not 100% convinced. So I whipped out that test, dipped it in urine and waited 5 long, grueling, tedious minutes and when the timer went off I could not bring myself to look! haha. I was so nervous. I was either about to cry tears of joy or tears of sadness and I just could not look. I eventually did though and to my utter surprise....MY TEST WAS POSITIVE!!!!!!!!! I WAS PREGNANT. THOSE PILLS WORKED!!!

I wanted so bad to wait and tell Jon in a fun cute way that I was pregnant but at this point he has waited 1.5 years to hear that I was pregnant and I was too full of emotion to hide it from him that I just ran out of the bathroom test in hand and showed him. I practically threw the test in front of his face and blurted out I AM PREGNANT!! Then I started sobbing. He was sitting next to Jocelyn on the couch watching cartoons with her and he jumped up from the couch grabbed me hugged me, cried with me, kept looking at the test in disbelief, and we just cried together for a few minutes. We looked over at Jocelyn who was staring at us and she then asked "Mom, Dad are you ok?" We then picked her up and told her we were just really really happy and that nothing was wrong. 

I took 2 more tests the next 2 days to confirm that I really was pregnant, and every one of them came up positive. Our long long wait to become pregnant finally came to an end. We were pregnant, we were happy, and we finally get to give Jocelyn what she wants the most. To become a big sister!